What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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