just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We don't watch enough power rangers
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
