I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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