I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
