Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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