i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
