I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
