She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Randomize
