my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Randomize
