I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
