Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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