why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
