I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I need moral support for this bender
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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