So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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