The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
