You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
