I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
