I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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