i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
