I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
