Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
