you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
