I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
