May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
