just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
