Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
