I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
