I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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