Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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