the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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