As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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