i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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