I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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