just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
