well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
