Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
