just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Randomize
