I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
