me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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