i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
