I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
