smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i permit you to call me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize