My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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