it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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