Acid is not a monday night drug
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
