How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her