in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.