i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
