I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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