guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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