I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
