3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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