i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
