tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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