i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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