I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
