the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'd cum for enchiladas.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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