I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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