New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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