Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
