My cat gives me a boner
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
