planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
